Woman's Compact Instruction Book
Man's Idea of Opening a Computer File
Wife 1.0 ¤ Husband 1.0 ¤ He Said, She Said
How Fights get Started ¤ Hillbilly Etiquette
The Ultimate Viagra Joke +++ ¤ What I Want in a Man
So Soft & Squishy ¤ HORSEY ¤ QUOTES ¤ Tonto who?
Just Say No to Crack ¤ The End
Woman's Compact Instruction Book
1. Never do housework. No man ever loved a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Remember: you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
5. So many men - so many reasons not to date any of them.
6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
9. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
10. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
11. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman
miserable.
12. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
13. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
14. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
15. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
16. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical
times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
17. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
18. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at
his.
19. Sadly, all men are created equal.
20. When he asks you if he's your first date, tell him "You may be, you look
familiar."
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Man's Idea of Opening a Computer File
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Wife 1.0 Just Released
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.
Can you please help me !!!???
Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear TROUBLED USER,
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.
I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck,
Tech Support
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program
began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and
jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9,
but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer
runs and housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to
fix these problems, but to no avail.
--Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating
system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2.
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0
or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO
NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not
supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional
software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3
Tech Support
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He said ... She said
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst
way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'
Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the
sofa and fart. "
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Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They can never have enough toys and they leave them everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
More things dogs and men have in common
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they're done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a dog.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what "no" means.
First and Second
A couple has a dog that snores.
Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see
if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around
the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins
snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and
grabs a piece of ribbon And ties it carefully around the dog's
testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from
being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls
asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will
work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of
ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. He
wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands
in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue
ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he
walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his
dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,
"I don't know where we were or what we did,
but, by God, we got first and second place.
Picking on men, not dogs
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be hell.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook - they eat; we clean- they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How does a man show he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE...He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man?
Oh, I can do better than that.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God gift to women?
Exchange him.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds, they forget what happened.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
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Why Buy the Cow ....
For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for
free".
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's
not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
---------------------------------
You have two choices in life: You can stay
single and be
miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
------------------------------------------------------------
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women
replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
--------------------------------------------------------------
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------------------------------
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge
than to let her keep him.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in the USA The rest cheat
in Canada.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in
every country, son.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
--------------------------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
life thinking they had no faults at all.
--------------------------------------------------------------
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go
out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
-------------------------------------------------------------
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy:"You're lucky, mine's still alive."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the
opposite sex.
SPEAKING IN CODE
A husband and wife decided they needed to use certain phrases to indicate that they wanted
to have sex without letting their children in on their sex life.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy
needs to type a letter."
The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded telling her young child,
"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon
in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father the bad news.
A few days later the mom told her
"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father and came back to her mother and gave the father's response,
"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by
hand."
_____________________________________________________
Once upon a time
Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened
to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all
empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried...but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer....
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away ...
"Hello - we're all down here...."
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General Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. Dining Out When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. Entertaining in your home A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are. Personal Hygiene While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. Dating (outside the family) Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. Theater Etiquette Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. Weddings Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. Driving Etiquette Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. |
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A 65-year-old man goes to his doctor and says, " Doc, I have a problem: my
girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday; my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday; and my
wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all"
The doctor says, " You know 3 Viagra pills, 3 nights in a row, is pretty dangerous
for a man of your age; I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my
office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says, "You have a deal, Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says, "What happened?"
The man answered "Nobody showed up!"
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1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
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Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY,
in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious
behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there as no one around here for
miles. At least I thought there wasn't", he stated in a phone interview from the
County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a
pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to
satisfy his alleged "need".
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor
approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. I walked up
to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went
up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'"
He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin!? Damn... is it midnight already?"
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A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's
sending a friend over
to look at a horse.
His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"
That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment".
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.
"A female horthie." So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella upagain, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and
rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out
and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a
widdlebit"?
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.
Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a
conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really, "he said, "what myths are those?" "Well," she
explained, "one
popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed
when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to
possess that trait.
"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when
actually it is the men of Jewish descent." "We have, however, found
that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern
redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I
don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man replied, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me
Bubba."
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GEORGE W. BUSH
(GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE)
Who's on First?
Yesterday Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.
SCENE: The Oval Office.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi Rice: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Let's hear it.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes sir.
George: Yassir? You mean Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. I bet he knows.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
and then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: Call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N!
Condi: Kofi?
George: All right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.
War
President Bush and Colin Powell are
sitting in a bar. So the bartender
walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing
in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III." And the guy
says, "Really? What's
going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis this
time and one blonde with big tits."
A little perplexed the guy exclaimed, "A blonde with
big tits? Why kill a
blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart
ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iraqis!"
POST TURTLE
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man he
got his
hand caught in a gate while working his cattle), a doctor and the old man
were talking about George W. being in the White House.
The old man said, "Well, ya' know, Bush is a post turtle."
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post
turtle is.
The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road, and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.
You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get
anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb
thing get down."
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Billy J. Clinton.
(PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the
letters: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS)
After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week
have come up with
a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven
that you can get sex from Aides.
Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything
like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."
The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress:
"Presidue."
Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral
Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.
Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a
donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you
a false sense of security while you are being screwed.
Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All the women that came forward, and
not one was his sister!
Poor Bill!
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that
she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term as
Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill
on the phone and immediately starts screaming; "How could you have let this
happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I
can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all
your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper, he says,
"Who is this?"
CLOCKS
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in
front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall
of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth
has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock
will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved
twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"
"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
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QUOTES
1) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
2) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives but he never
forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush Former US First Lady
3) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet."
Robin Williams
4) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
5) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just
give her a house."
Rod Stewart
6) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have
diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do."
(Henry Kissinger)
7) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs - Founder: Apple Computer
8) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee, the natural enemy of
a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather
9) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid
problem?"
Arnold Schwartzenegger
10) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a
sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
11) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time
of the month that I can be myself.
Roseanne
12) According to a survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men
than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental,
whereas, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro
13) See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,and only enough blood to
run one at a time.
Robin Williams
14) The best way to get most husbands to do something is to
suggest that
perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft
15) Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners,"
is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby
16) I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner
17) Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --
Benjamin Franklin
18) My wife dresses to kill She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
19) My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney
Dangerfield
20) A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton
Berle
21) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George
Burns
22) When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine
Boosler
22) I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in
the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the
lake."
-- Henny Youngman
23) Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller
24) My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. --
Rita Rudner
25) The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
26) People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least
a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is
no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my
husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck
27) At a party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I
married the wrong man." -- Anonymous #1
28) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful. --
Anonymous
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The End: Mr. Buttcrack
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